Officer’s Oral Fixation

“That pig has an oral fixation”, Dr. Bob, the exotic animal vet simply stated.

Officer was at his yearly exam when I was complaining about how he constantly chomps and foams like a Mastiff.  Shaking his head, Dr. Bob who has known Officer since the week I got him, smiled and said, “He acts like he’s chewing his cud, though he has none to chew.”  Explaining the behavior away to another quirky personality trait, I left trying to accept that Officer likes to chomp…and slobber.

“Oral fixation?!”  What the hell!  Like it’s not hard enough saying I have a pig, how do you say, “My pig has an oral fixation”?!  What does that mean anyway?!

My Mother always said, “If you don’t know the answer, don’t ask me.  Look it up.”, and that’s exactly what I did.

The definition for oral fixation is a desire to have or put something in one’s mouth, as in infants; a condition requiring stimulation of the mouth.

Huh, no kidding.  This would explain my “Hamful’s” obsession with people’s shoelaces, plastic bags, toilet paper, …and chomping and foaming like a Mastiff.

Recently Officer went bye-be car with my Mom and I, and was unusually “fixated” in the backseat.  For over two hours he didn’t stop chomping and chewing, chomping and chewing.  At one point I noticed something green in his mouth.  Obviously, he had gotten grass stuck in his teeth when we stopped last (happens more than you would think), and he’s trying to work it out.

Boy was I wrong!

As I neared the “boar breath”, the smell wasn’t as rotten as I remembered.  Inhaling a mixture of bananas, dirt, my landscaping, and something…minty fresh, a flash of green went by again.  I stuck my hand inside to grab the grass, only to find it wasn’t grass at all.  It was spearmint gum!

Officer had rooted through my Mother’s purse (very bad manners), and stolen her Trident.  He was chewing gum for over two hours!

Nowhere in my research of Officer’s oral condition did I come across any information that it was a “gateway” disorder.  Next thing you know, Officer will be arrested for kleptomania…or recruited for America’s Got Talent.

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