“Douche the Pig?!”

“Douche the pig?!”  I half screamed, half choked out three octaves higher than normal.

From the other end of the phone, Dr. Bob, my mini pig’s vet, explained that in order to get rid of Officer’s infection and the antibiotic to start working, his sheath needed to be flushed.

(The sheath is located in the middle of the belly, and is a protective covering, enclosing the penis.)

He told me to go to any drug store and pick up Massengill vinegar and water douche, and douche Officer.

…but Officer’s a boy?!


Before I go any further, I should probably go back to the beginning.

Christmas 2014, my Mother, her Portuguese Water Dog (Rudder), both of my cats (Uncle Put and Lucky Bastard), Officer, and myself, all piled into one vehicle and drove from Florida to Wisconsin for the holidays.

By New Years 2015, my Mom had bed bugs, the cats had fleas, Officer had an infection in his sheath, and I was getting one hell of an education!

Officer & Rudder

Rudder & Officer


Uncle Put & Lucky Bastard

Uncle Put

Officer & Rudder


Friday, January 2, 2015, was spent on the phone with Dr. Bob in Florida, then off to the local drug store.  Fifteen minutes later, I got back in the heated car, parked out front of the town pharmacy.

They’re out of douches?!

Thirty minutes later, negative thirty degrees, freezing, and finally hitting the next town.  This is “Northern” Wisconsin after all.  The sweetest little lady greeted me and asked if she could help.


Hmmmm…What the hell?!


“Don’t judge me,” I said.

Her expression never changed, remaining angelic as ever.

“I need a douche for my pig, and my vet told me to get Massengill vinegar and oil”, I hurriedly added.

“Vinegar and WATER, and I believe we have one left”, she unaffectedly answered and led me to the aisle furthest away…and to the last douche on the shelf.

What was I thinking of, salad dressing – vinegar & oil?


I thanked her, and joked, that she was going to tell her husband about this one tonight.  She laughed, but was never truly ruffled.

Wonder what kind of people come in there if she wasn’t fazed by a girl needing to douche her pig?


By 9 pm that evening, I was still procrastinating.  There was no way I was looking forward to doing this!

Finally, taking the bull by the horns, or in this case, the pig by the snout, I put Officer in a warm shower and found it wasn’t so bad after all!  It wasn’t so bad, because “it” wasn’t “in”!

No wonder Officer didn’t seem to mind.


I called Dr. Bob on Monday and when he asked how things went; I let him know.

“It was unsuccessful” I told him.

“In what way?” he said.

“Well,…the size of the applicator is different from the size of a mini pig”, I explained as ladylike as possible.

“You weren’t suppose to put it in” he replied dryly.




Obviously I still have a lot to learn; but there is something I’ve discovered in 2015, though I could have done without the knowledge:

Over New Years, in Northern Wisconsin, on the Michigan border, within a sixty-mile radius…everyone is douching.


5 replies
  1. Gertrude Davidson
    Gertrude Davidson says:

    You have interesting road trips and destinations! Who would drive to Northern Wisconsin in the winter, especially to an area where ALL the pigs must have sheath infections?!! Sounds like lots of stocking stuffers……maybe someone should open up a Massengill Outlet Store!

  2. Katy Hansen
    Katy Hansen says:

    This is absolutely hysterical. Note to self: If I ever have a pig that needs a douche, don’t “put it in.” Your educational stories about Officer just slay me.

    • © Lee Volpe
      © Lee Volpe says:

      I am so glad that this is not only a humor site, but also an educational one! Who knew? LOL
      I appreciate your viewership and comment, and look forward to replying to more comments from you in the future. 🙂
      Please download my exclusive eBook as a free gift for your continued support.


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